Fears

I know this is getting repetitive, but I really can't help it. I SHOULD REALLY BE WORKING ON MY DISSERTATION NOW. Instead, I am surfing through the net, checking out random blogs and thinking about writing.When I took this up, I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't think I will suffer from this kind of lack of motivation.It's not that I don't have anything to say. But it's just that I am thoroughly thoroughly bored with academia, and hence my lack of motivation. It's not that I am dis-illusioned, I never had much illusion about academia to begin with. But now,it just doesn't feel right to keep on writing this way. But at the same time, I am one of those people who feels extremely angry at one's own self for not finishing the initiated projects, and I can't leave academia simply because this is the best of the worst.Moreover, since I have spent so much time working here, it would be extremely stupid to leave without that damn PhD.
But what I really want to do, is write my own shit. In the non-academic mode.

Now that I have let it out of my system, I will be very honest. There are certain things that I have acquired from this academic gig. A chance to read a lot. To see things critically. Move beyond the surface. Move beyond my narrow comfort-zones. Keep on pushing my own writing, until every word begins to carry traces of that gut-wrenching pain, which somehow is only visible to me.So,I would definitely say, this is something that has prepared me, is preparing me to even think of writing my own stories down. But there are days, when I just break under the pressure of deadlines. Under the pressure of this very knowledge that there is this thing called dissertation looming large in the background! What to do!

The Rich Man and the Parrot: Notes

Parrots are ambiguous animals (bird). They are beautiful, full of colors,great to look at. Spectacular, literally! Humans love them, because they look beautiful, and most importantly, they can mimic human speech. Just finished reading a re-telling of a Persian tale by Suzan Nadimi called The Rich Man and the Parrot. The story was originally included in Rumi's Masnavi.

The high point of the story is, when the parrot tells his master who has so long denied him his freedom, "When my brothers held their tongues, they told me that the sweetness of my tongue was holding me captive. And when they froze and fell to the earth, they showed me the way to freedom. I froze and fell, too, pretending to be dead. You opened my cage only when you thought I could no longer fly away.

Great! Materials for my un-finished poem, I guess?

But, the parrot did not have any sisters! Brotherhood of Parrots! Huh! Seems like material waiting for my intervention too!

While this dissertation is in my life, and I am depending primarily on my Teaching Fellowship to feed me, I will have to spend every alternate day with prose and poetry. Ideally, I would loved to devote the morning to poetry and the evening to prose, with all the readings tucked in between. But, I can't! Since the dissertation is looming large, and the funding is exhausting itself, and everyday, I am moving closer to that day when I won't have any left at all. At this stage in my life, I can't deny the enormous ways in which being in academia has helped me. All those weeks of trying to yank out academic papers have done something hugely important for me. It has taught me that it ain't a work of art unless you have spilled some of your own blood on it or wrenched your guts!

So today was the poetry day. Actually this weekend is going to be a poetry weekend majorly. Because I am revising one of the poems, and I want to send it to one of my primary readers by the end of this weekend!

And finally I have begun to revise the draft of the first chapter of my diss. Shall I say, yayyyy? Or shall I just wait for myself to turn it in to my reading group? I am opting for the second one myself, but if there is anyone else reading this post, feel free to utter that non-verbal sound of pleasure for me!

Mascara Literary Review

Two of poems were published here in Mascara Literary Review.

Have just completed the first week of school, and have been wondering how exhausted that already makes me feel. But trying to hold up my head, and see what I can do. It's funny how hard it becomes to blog when I am within this work schedule!

Random Notes

Had a relaxing day today. Didn't write, didn't think of anything academic. Went to Goodwill with DRR and bought some sweaters. Then, since Half Price Books is right next door, dropped in there too. Although I am broke, ended up buying a few books. Reading Tania James' Atlas of Unknowns, having just finished Mary Watson's short story anthology Moss.

Watson's collection is one of those where a reader goes back to again and again. The writing itself is extremely lyrical, full of symbolisms. She does these little playing-arounds with the norms of short-story writing. Most of the stories play with this extremely skillful alternation between close third-person point-of-view and omniscient narration. In short, it's one of those collections, which made me feel that although I am not always getting exactly what Watson herself as the writer might be wanting to get at, there is a lot that I can learn from her.

Have some ideas brewing in the head. Will try to write them down from Monday.

Super-Natural In My Stories

I have been thinking of the ways some of the beginning writers I have met in the last couple of years turn to supernatural in their stories. Ghosts, haunted houses, spirits. On the one hand, I am fascinated by the idea of super/sur/however-else-you-might-put-it natural, and I think, in my own works, I have crossed that realism/non-realism border much more freely in my poems. In reality, I am always trying to figure out if I am not using the super-natural as a coping-out mechanism. The truth is, a lot of writers I have met in the last two years, do tend to do that. I have written a story with a ghost. I have tried my hand at creating an alternate world, and I must admit, I have a lot more to learn in this field before I can do even any mild-level justice to these forms. But most importantly, I am afraid that sometimes I am really using the super-natural to let me not have to deal with certain contradictions, rather than facilitating an exploration of that contradictions. So, for now, while revising the stories I am working on, I will stay away from them, although there have been suggestions to do so. And I am almost tempted.

Some Thoughts on the Phelna Story

My friend SD had some interesting readings of the Phelna-story. According to her, the narrative flows well. The story also shows a good grasp of the different kinds of voices, but what I don't have is the right amount of action to go with that. Now, that's something I have come across before. I am not someone who packs lots of actions within the lines. And elsewhere I have talked about this "pro-action" approach. But, I do think, in this case, this was something I myself was also feeling before I sent it out to her. So, I am not surprised. Now, basically, I need to find more trouble for Phelna. I need to land her in the midst of more confusion, and maybe might even have to introduce another character or two.

My initial thoughts were to land Phelna in the middle of a other group of kids, and then have her learn through some playground violence about her father's death. I even thought, maybe I can link that knowledge with her mother Anu's over-protectiveness of her. Maybe have a scene where Phelna comes and asks her mother about what she has learnt from her friends, thus causing Anu to freak out. It's possibly, then, that Anu frames the lie about her father being merely away. Now, I do think this can be a valid testing-ground. But then, I have another story about playground-violence, and I don't want to have two stories going on within very similar settings. As it is, my stories so far are dealing with a very narrow set of people to begin with.

Now, I am thinking, what if I bring in a servant-figure? A girl, slightly older than Phelna, but not much? Who stays in their home almost for nothing, in exchange of some food and shelter? And who lets it out to Phelna that she has no father? Then, when Phelna will ask her Mom about it, it will cause this other girl to lose her job, and will also lead Anu to unleash all these protectiveness? But then, what it will do is, force Phelna to reside within this realm of knowing and not-knowing, and maybe at the end of the story Phelna will realize something about her father's death!

This second one, right now, seems like a more exciting choice. It will mean that I have to deal with lots of different things, not the least of which is class, and all these zig-zag intersections of occurrences. That will also mean that I push the limits of the existing narrative further. And...and...that means, an increase in the number of words...meaning, another longer short story. But, I guess, the material demands that I spread myself a little bit more. And I will just have to wait and begin to work, and see where it takes me. At this point, I am feeling slightly better to have been able to think this through, but I am also feeling intimidated by all the extra-work I will need to do because of it.

But then, that IS the nature of this work, isn't it

Parrot-Lores and My Poem

I have always had this thing for parrots. So, I wasn't surprised when somehow the words "Parrot Kings" stumbled out of my pen when I was working on a very tentative rough draft of the "Generations" poem. Then, now that I have a slightly less tentative third draft, I am wondering what prompted my choice of the Parrot King as the father/husband. I am not very sure, but what I am realizing, if done well, this can open up a range of possibilities.

a. Parrots have always been looked upon as these talking birds, fetishized as such. In that sense, they have always been very close to human beings. Now, that can be an interesting location seen from the eyes of a parrot.

b. Eagles vs. Parrots (Eagles symbolizing royal, imperial power while parrots symbolize intelligence, word-skills etc.)

c. the presence of parrots in the urban landscape of India/South Asia (the astrologer parrots)

d. the wealth of parrot-tales in Indian folklore

e. Rabindranath's tota-kahini

So, basically, immense possibilities in carving out a historical space for parrots, which would also hopefully help me to characterize the Parrot King better. I still don't know the end of the tunnel here, but at least, I am beginning to see an opening. I think I have already poked my head through it. Now, I really don't have any other option than to keep walking through it, and see where it takes me. If I am lucky, the other end of the tunnel will provide a glorious view of some little explored terrain.

Some will say, this where my Muses have pushed me! I prefer to say, the historical unconscious!