;; It's Already February;;

Yesterday I finished the first draft of the Introduction of my dissertation, and today my dissertation group read it. So, now I have the dissertation in FULL. It is not perfect, it is not good, but it exists. That is one step ahead from the time when I wrote my New Year Resolution post. Also, compared to what I did last semester, I am doing FAR better. So far I have written five poems. Again, not good. But still, beginnings. This is already four more than what I accomplished last semester. I have cooked almost every other day. I did eat at my friend's couple of times, but that was more in the spirit of celebration. I am not using her cooking skills and hospitality as a crutch anymore. There have been days when I have experimented with recipes. There have been days when I have just rehashed the old recipes. Sometimes I have made some easy and quick comfort food-- like tonight. I am cooking nothing more than a tomato dal and rice. But still, even the attempt to cook that really simple meal, makes me feel better about myself. In terms of my teaching, I have learnt a LOT. There have been challenges. And it is not that I didn't expect them. But just having my own class to teach, takes off so much pressure. Besides, I am really interested in the materials I am teaching and I am learning to think in a way that is different, yet related to my usual dissertation methodologies. I haven't been able to blog at all, and I am hoping to change that pretty soon. But the last one month has been challenging, but productive. And what more can I expect?

What Happened During the Hiatus

1. The first draft of the chapter 2 of the dissertation was completed, feedback received from the writing group. Now I need to go back to it and do the revisions before I turn it in to my co-directors again.

2. The first draft of the poetry manuscript has been finished, and has been emailed to a couple of TRUSTED READERS.

I have been trying to process what I have learnt from these two first drafts. I am still a little jaded from the efforts (especially since I still have a lot of fellowship applications to write), but I will try to process those feelings here a little bit.

a. In order to finish, you have to begin.

b. In order to begin (and finish), you have to have a basic level of trust and confidence on yourself. You have to believe that you have something to say to this world, and what you'll finally produce will mean something to people around you.

c. Once you go thick into the process of writing (or making/exploring of any other kind), you will be forced to face questions you haven't faced before. You can avoid them, or you can delve into them.

d. If you avoid them, your work, sooner or later will show traces of that evasion.

e. If you take those questions by their horns, you will find yourself in spaces where you haven't treaded before. You'll learn a lot, your work will begin to attain an intensity it didn't possess before.

f. Your questions will give birth to new projects. You will literally see how one project births itself in the belly of another.

g. You'll find that your training (whatever the nature of it might be) has many gaps.

h. Your projects will demand that you do some more reading and writing.

i. If you take the challenge up, you'll grow. If not, your work will suffer. You'll try to compensate by being extra performative, you'll succeed. Mostly, not always. So it's better to prepare yourself for the hard work than to reveal before the world your holes.

j. It's essential to admit that you possess those holes. We all do. Then work to fill them up. A writing project does both--shows you your holes and then gives you a chance to mend them.

Now, before I lose all my steam, I better go back to that LONG to-do-list I have waiting for me on the kitchen counter.