Fears

I know this is getting repetitive, but I really can't help it. I SHOULD REALLY BE WORKING ON MY DISSERTATION NOW. Instead, I am surfing through the net, checking out random blogs and thinking about writing.When I took this up, I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't think I will suffer from this kind of lack of motivation.It's not that I don't have anything to say. But it's just that I am thoroughly thoroughly bored with academia, and hence my lack of motivation. It's not that I am dis-illusioned, I never had much illusion about academia to begin with. But now,it just doesn't feel right to keep on writing this way. But at the same time, I am one of those people who feels extremely angry at one's own self for not finishing the initiated projects, and I can't leave academia simply because this is the best of the worst.Moreover, since I have spent so much time working here, it would be extremely stupid to leave without that damn PhD.
But what I really want to do, is write my own shit. In the non-academic mode.

Now that I have let it out of my system, I will be very honest. There are certain things that I have acquired from this academic gig. A chance to read a lot. To see things critically. Move beyond the surface. Move beyond my narrow comfort-zones. Keep on pushing my own writing, until every word begins to carry traces of that gut-wrenching pain, which somehow is only visible to me.So,I would definitely say, this is something that has prepared me, is preparing me to even think of writing my own stories down. But there are days, when I just break under the pressure of deadlines. Under the pressure of this very knowledge that there is this thing called dissertation looming large in the background! What to do!